Day two: I had my first morning walk today, and it felt good to start the day early with some relaxed physical activity, which is not something I have done a lot lately. I decided to join the large group for the walk this morning which I quickly felt was not the same as our smaller group walks from last year. There was a group of at least 10 people which seemed like more of a travelling posse in the wee hours of morning in the streets of Ahuatepec than a relaxing reflective walk.
This I think put me off a little bit. I felt incredibly awkward walking the streets with this large group of people, not because of the individuals in the group but rather what the large gathering of white English speaking people all walking together represented. I felt touristy and somehow it took the authenticity away from the experience. I found myself walking slightly behind the group so as to try and hide the fact that I was a part of the group; a part of the tourists. In away I didn’t want to be discriminated against. I didn’t want to be placed into that category. I felt judged in that group and I wanted desperately to not be associated with that. Being in a group that large strolling down the streets, passing the store owners who had just begun to set up for the day, seemed intimidating. We were looked at as, well, a bunch of silly tourists. I felt like if I had been walking down the same street, passing the same people that morning by myself they might still think tourist but there is also that mystery factor. Why is she here? Is she a tourist or does she live here? Maybe she’s visiting someone? Or maybe she is just a silly tourist. But somehow being by myself made me feel less judged and I suppose a little more unique.
Later when I was reflecting on this I thought it was quite odd that at home in Canada I feel the exact opposite. If I am alone whether it be for a walk or out to dinner or to a movie, I feel judged. Why is she alone? She must not have friends? I feel bad for that girl who is all alone, poor her. But when I am out with a group there is a certain comfort within that circle of people. Being surrounded by a group of people makes me feel important and wanted; part of something.
After breaky we took a bus to...... which is an ‘orphanage’. So it is basically a place for children whose parents or parent cannot take care of them or cannot provide for them. Some of the children there do not have parents but most do. We entered the metal gates to this, let’s call it group living, and we’re greeting by several small children how only took a few seconds to familiarize themselves with me before throwing their arms around me in a quick hug around my waist. I was surprised and a little taken back by their affection so quickly. I didn’t have to prove myself to them, I didn’t have to earn they trust to gain affection. It was just given freely and instantly.
Although there was a great deal of wonderfully loving things going on around me today, being surrounded by children who just wanted attention, I felt closed. I felt, no I was, just going through the motions but I wasn’t open to it. I had hit a wall that I was unfamiliar with and that I could not name. I was frustrated that I wasn’t experiencing this day to its full potential but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t break through the wall; I couldn’t open myself up. I went through the day and played with the children, hugged them, watched them play and interact with my fellow travellers, I watched the excitement they get when I gave them my camera to take pictures with and from the outside looking at me you would never know that I was struggling with the day but I was. Later in the evening during debriefing with Gary I discussed the way I was feeling in the group and conversation turned to a memory that Michelle had had years earlier involving a friend’s mother, her friend and herself. Her friend’s mother was a DSW and at time would invite the two girls to come hang out with her and some of the people she supported. Michelle said she would say no thanks, and realized that it had been because she didn’t know how to act and was a little scared to be around them. This made me think about the first time I walked into placement for Katimavik. I walked into community livings adult day program and was greeted my 20 or more intellectually challenged people all coming at me at once and I was absolutely terrified! I remember realizing later that I had been so scared because I did know or understand how to communicate with them or what to do or how to act; I was walking in to a situation disabled in a sense. This memory of being scared was similar to the feeling I had when I was visiting the children. They were all taking in Spanish and I didn’t understand anything that they were saying, not one thing. And I found myself, not ignoring them, but not trying to figure out what they were saying either. I felt so disabled. I found myself frustrated and shy at the same time. This may have been a reason why I began to feel so closed. But it’s just a thought.
Later in the afternoon we jumped on a bus and grabbed a bite to eat near the Zocalo. After Chrissy and I took a walk through the Zocalo to check out what was going on. There was some kind of drumming and dancing show in the center that we stopped to watch. We ended up meeting a young woman named Paola She spoke English so we began talking and she told us that she was from the US but had moved here with her parents. She had only been in Cuernavaca for one week though so she didn’t know many people. We explained to her what we were here doing and invited her to come join us for an afternoon while we were exploring the churches and museums. She loved the idea and offered to be our translator if we needed. So it worked out well, she was new to the area and didn’t know many people and we were definitely new to the area and didn’t speak much Spanish, it was a match made in traveler’s heaven; we could explore together!
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